To my old friend Bank of America.
We’ve been together for about 10 years now, and I have a lot to thank you for recently.
When I learned two weeks ago that I was getting a little extra cash, I was happy. It meant I could climb out of a financial hole that was really making me unhappy. It meant that I could start contributing again to my own life.
It meant hope.
Until you decided you wanted it, that is.
So thank you, Bank of America.
Thanks for jacking the rate on my credit card, which I never use save for overdraft protection.
Thanks for charging a periodic membership fee to said card, BEFORE monthly interest is charged.
Thanks for the overlimit fees which inevitably result.
Thanks also for the unexpected and penurious charges on my otherwise “free” checking account. Thanks again for raising them by almost 50%, and for changing the way in which they are applied.
And, of course, the very special fees for overdrafts, which you seem to like so much.
Thanks for completely ignoring the letter you sent to me explaining them, and the “discount” promised should multiple items be posted on the same day.
Thanks for advancing me money from the card mentioned above to cover them.
Thank you especially for doing so AFTER the bills are “paid,” and also after fees are applied.
Thanks anyway for not advancing enough. I know you are more or less unconcerned with the balance on the account, since you clearly have no reservations about charging money to it at any time.
It’s okay, I know you’re having problems lately.
I can relate.
Thanks for the 5 dollar processing fee for each and all of the above charges. It really helps to know you are looking out for my financial well being.
Thanks also for the postcards. Especially when they are mailed out days after the event, when I really have no way of affecting the outcome of your in camera decisions.
And thanks for helping me out with that whole credit rating situation. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated. I think about them every three months, when you charge me for a service I canceled a year ago.
And for the overage fee on that one as well.
Thanks for taking all of that extra cash, and looking after it for me. I’m sure you’ll use it to “help” other people, just as you have done so for me.
Very soon, the source of income that feeds into you will be gone.
Have fun with my money, Bitch.
I hope you choke on it.
The next time I have to deposit something, I’ll be going across the street to a bank that has already dealt with its bankruptcy issues. You’ll need to raise your bailout minimum qualifying capital with someone else’s blood.
I divorce thee, I divorce thee.
I Divorce thee.