Cheap ass bleeping razors bleeping suck

So, it’s no surprise to anyone that I’m a notoriously cheap bastard. I’m not a skinflint, and there are certainly times when excess is called for.

But household goods, the so-called “staples” of modern American life, should not be overpriced. Toilet tissue, soap, and cleansers should remain within the price range of even the lowest-paid workers of this country.

And they should be worth the money, too. But not extravagantly priced.

Now, I wear a beard. I wear it for several reasons, one of which is that I am a lazy bleep. Shaving is one more step in an already crowded morning that I don’t want to take every day. Not only is there the tedious task of the shave itself, but also the warming of water, lather, and the towel-off stages that follow. Since we’ve already touched on my laziness, that’s a lot to fit in to the mad dash from the snooze button to the bus stop.

I’ve shaved with every major brand of razor, disposable or otherwise. I’ve bought clippers, shavers, and trimmers. I used to have a pretty kick-ass Norelco, until my ex threw me out on my ear, and took all my stuff. But the best razor of them all, at least for my face and head, has been the Gillette Sensor.

Ahh, the smoothness of a good blade, one that will last for many, many beards, until that fateful day when it cuts a little rough. Then it’s time to pop another one on to the handle, and keep on shaving. That is, until you run out. Then , you let the beard get a little longer each time you shave, trimming as needed, but dreading the eventual trip to the store to buy more overpriced replacement heads.

For a while, it was actually cheaper (to the consumer, anyway) to buy a new razor than to get the refill package, since the new razor came with the same number of replacement heads. Then some bright boy at the company realized why the overpriced refills weren’t selling, and reduced the number of razors in the initial package. Jerk.

Like I said, I’m cheap. It’s been two years since I bought replacement razors, and I balked at the $8 it cost me at the time. Grumbling and snarling, I laid my money down, so that I could experience the “luxury” of a cleanly shaved face.

This time, the razor was running down about the time I interviewed for my current position. It was a good set of blades, sharply grooming me for each successive interview. But alas, it failed me, commensurate with my hire. I borrowed a shave for one subsequent outing, but I knew that I’d have to get new blades soon.

14. Fricking. Dollars.

Fourteen! It would be highway robbery, if the store was located on the interstate. Where my grocery is currently located, it’s just felonious assault. Worse yet, they’ve stopped making the base razor, transitioning upwards into ever more complicated (and more expensive) razors. Being as I’m cheap, I hemmed and hawed about it for an additional week, after which I really didn’t feel like spending $14 on anything “beauty” related.

So I eventually bought a pack of five disposable razors, which on the surface are very similar to the brand I was using. At $4.50, I felt I had received my money’s worth, and placed one in the cabinet, for use in my next shearing.

It this very moment, $14 does not seem like so very much to pay. Searing accurately describes the pain of my razor burn, even after a somewhat soothing face wash. Nothing at all has changed in my shaving technique, so the culprit is revealed as these cheap ass bleeping razors. News flash to the bright boys at (beep), the freaking blades should have an edge. A sharp one. Not the cheese grater finish that was applied to these.

Lucky for me, this was a “defining” shave, and not a full-on beard removal. But I don’t think I’ll be shaving again for a couple days. For Friday, I’ve committed yet another portion of my rapidly spoken-for paycheck to personal grooming products. Perhaps I’ll move upwards in brand, since the Sensor blades are so freaking expensive now.

I’d feel a whole lot better about the process, if the refills for the “new” razors weren’t so much bleeping cheaper than the ones for mine. It’s bad enough I need to buy a new TV next year, but this just crosses the line.

What, am I made of money?

Damn you, Military Industrial Complex. Damn you all to hell.