News Flash

Spider-Man 3 is no longer the new benchmark of SUCK.

That distinction is now held by the Transformers.

I was very good yesterday, and other than some delicious cheese, did not eat any animals. However, this DOG took a big bite out of my wallet ($10 for a Matinee?), and never gave a tenth of that in return. I was far more interested in the company of friends viewing the train wreck with me than in anything at all presented on the screaming screen.

Even the trailers were better.

It was long. It was BORING. At 5 in the afternoon, the fight scenes put me to sleep. Not an allusion, I was nodding off.

The movie started at 4 PM.

CGI is BORING. but not as boring as the brainless, banal, and altogether insipid dialogue. The only character I had any interest in was the protagonist’s male parent.

At an hour 20, I excused myself to use the restroom. Had I taken my purse with me, I’m not sure I would have returned. I took my time, and when I regained my seat I found that nothing had changed in those ten minutes. In fact, the same scene was still going on, with no resolution whatsoever.

At an hour 45, I was shouting at the screen.

At two hours, I could not take it anymore, and I spared the entire theater my rage, made my apologies, and walked out. Had I done so earlier, I would have felt justified in demanding (not asking) for a return of my ticket price.

In fact, I had to leave the building entirely for a little while.

Half an hour later, the movie gracefully ends. I don’t know how, and I don’t care. I reconnected with the troupe, but the experience was enough to throw me off my headspace for the rest of the evening. Even the aforementioned great dinner, (along with a drink better than all previous in its class), did not get me back to where I needed to be.

It was craptastic. It’s going to make me a lot of money, but that studio has taken all of mine that they are likely to get.

Your mileage may vary. But if you say you liked it, I’d be curious as to why.

Points in its favor.

Loud.
Explosions.
Giant robots.

Against.

Everything else.

While typing this, I realize what could have made it better. Given how much I dislike the movies you are about to reference, this is a strong statement.

It should have been Independence Day. Instead, It was Titanic.

Talk amongst yourselves.