Chapter the Seventh: Suppertime in Ascendance
In which Bhagwan cooks for everyone, and serves two (possibly three)
So it’s no secret that I like to cook. I am the ultimate expression of two lines of chefs, camp cooks, mess hall masters, and personal experiences as the “man of the house.”
So, I do nothing in half measures.
Tonight, it’s Jambalaya.
Some folks may recall my last one, and it was good. But tonight, tonight I got it right.
Or at least, I will have, when it is done. That blessed moment will be in roughly 75 minutes (time is now 7:34 PM, PST).
I have created Fat Free, Vegan Jambalaya. I have also created shrimpless, and then real, live, big time servings.
Would you like to know more?
Start as follows. (you will of course, have to accquire everything listed below that does not directly go into the cook. And several things that do)
Take out the big pot. Make sure the two smaller saucepans are clean as well, and that all cutting surfaces and knives are ready to go. you will need at least one ladle, and one big spoon. You will also need three wooden spoons. I prefer bamboo.
Put on loud music, open the windows, and light a candle. If at any time in the next 4 hours you turn on the exhaust fan, I will hurt you, as you have hurt me.
Begin at T-4 hrs, 15 minutes by adding
1/2 bottle merlot
1/2 bottle cabernet sauvignon
12 oz Chicken Marinade
12 oz Jerk Sauce
6 oz organic tomato paste
“seasonings”
3 cups cold water
To the big pot. begin the boil. if you do not know how to make Marinade or Jerk Sauce, it is permissible to use store-bought. I’m not ashamed to admit that I did tonight. but it is easy and fast to whip up. If you use the store bought, add the water using the “empty” bottles.
Add one small glass Cabernet Sauvignon to the cook. Over the next 4 hours, it is stipulated that you will also be adding roughly 1/2 gallon of water to the cook as well. you will also be stirring the big pot every so often until I tell you not to.
begin chopping 1 lb roma tomatoes into cubes.
boil 1 1/2 cup red pearl onions (in skin) for three minutes using the large saucepan.
rinse onions in cold water, peel.
soak 1/2 lb sliced white mushrooms in the large saucepan.
Add onions and tomatoes to the big pot.
drain large saucepan, add mushrooms to the big pot
add 1/2 cup pepper strips to the large pot
Drain 3 lbs cooked beans (red kidney, pinto, black)
place in marinater (i.e. large plastic container with a lid)
Add 2 oz Jamesons to the beans, toss every time you stir the big pot
Add 2 oz Jamesons to the cook
Add 1 cup cubed mango, 1 cup cubed papaya, 1 cup cubed pinapple to the big pot. It is permissible to add a small amount of each to the cook as well.
at T-2 hours, make sure the small and large saucepans are shiny clean. I mean it.
add 2 fingers, Balvenie Portwood (or any 21 yr single malt) to the cook
Add 1 cup, fruit juice flavored, sugar free (i.e. diet) sparkling water to each pot. (I prefer mango-orange). Each pot will also need its own wooden spoon with which to stir.
Add 1/2 lb sliced chicken breast, and 1/2 lb sliced spicy sausage to the large saucepan.
Add 1/2 lb peeled and cooked shrimp to the small saucepan.
Add 2 cups of whatever is in the big pot to the large saucepan, and 1 cup to the small. begin the boil.
Add the marinated beans, and 2 cups sparkling water to the big pot.
Add 1 cup sparkling water to the cook.
at T-45 minutes (right now, in fact, hold on), add 1 cup uncooked rice to the big pot.
Make sure the saucepans are boiling slower than the big pot. Also, there should be noticeably less liquid in those pans. This is by design, do not fear.
TURN THAT DAMN FAN OFF! I MEAN IT!
T-minus 25 minutes. Stop stirring the big pot. continue stirring the saucepans, until the liquid is mostly gone. then cover, and remove from heat.
Dinner time. Add 1 bottle tawny port to the cook, and then wish, (as I do), that all of your hippie friends were not off doing hippie things. On the bright side, you also have a side dish to take to your brother Mark’s anniversary dinner tomorrow, and enough diversity not to offend any allergies, or sensibilities.
Your mileage may vary. but it will be an amazingly tasty ride.